If you have been in a long-term relationship, you may have experienced times when you didn't feel seen, heard, or honored. You are not alone and don't have to continue feeling this way. The pain you feel can catalyze even more closeness and connection than you have ever experienced.

Let me share my journey, which began in a nightmare I had the other night. In the dream, I yelled at Patrick, desperate to be heard. Patrick was talking loudly over me, and I couldn’t get a word in. I grew more ferocious, but there was no room for my thoughts. I felt silenced, helpless, and small, while he seemed larger than life and uncompassionate.

This was all happening while I was asleep, but it was a dynamic we had indulged in the past. However, while in this subconscious realm, it became clear that while I was screaming to be heard, I was also not listening. 

I realized I was both the oppressed and the oppressor.

To understand, you need to know a bit about my makeup. I am a peacemaker and have always valued this part of myself. I can understand all sides of an argument and co-create harmonious worlds. As a “good southern girl,” I have avoided making scenes and embraced that role in life. 

As I enter this new stage of my life at 49, I feel the potency of my fertile youth transforming into a new voice of wisdom—an ancient, deep, and transformative wisdom that has been quietly brewing but rarely shared.

One of my attractions to Patrick is his powerful voice. I could rest in his eloquence, and I let him speak for me when I got uncomfortable. In conflicts, I let him “handle it”. We even moved to a Spanish-speaking country, a language he is fluent in, while I struggled (though I now celebrate my 400-day Duolingo streak!). 

Over time, I encouraged his voice to lead within our relationship, avoiding discomfort. What was comfortable for a while eventually felt constrictive. We started having bigger and bigger fights like the one in my dream. I felt unheard and small while he felt he spoke clearly and was considerate. 

There was no winning.

The pain and separation I felt presented an opportunity for growth and healing. I wanted to understand why this was happening FOR me instead of TO me. 

One day, I saw it. 

Patrick’s voice sounded loud because I had practiced making mine small around him. In a sense, I had subtly given my voice over to him.

I adore mythology and fairytales because they represent different parts of our personalities. I had been playing out the fairytal of Sleeping Beauty; while one side of me was Sleeping Beauty, quiet and surrendered, letting the prince save her, the other was the Dark Fairy, raging and cursing when she wasn’t honored and invited to the “party.” 

I know I am not alone. 

In my work with women, I see this pattern.

We have been enculturated to care for others first. We are the nurturers, the intuitive ones, the healers, and even if we are called to this type work, we may not remember to also care for ourselves. 

So, how do we move to a new level of connection and understanding with our partners? 

First, we do the internal work of unraveling our wounds and revealing our own empowered nature. We learn to create a safe space for interactions where we can be heard, and we begin the work of re-knowing ourselves in intimacy with our beloved. 

I know you; you are like me. We are each seeking something new, a spark to re-light the flame of our internal passion, creativity, and agency—a flame that supports us in cleansing the patterns that no longer work for us. 

As we prioritize time for healing, become clear about our wants, and ask for what we need, our wobbly voices within the new pattern gain strength with practice and support.

Patrick and I coach couples who, while checking all the boxes of their dream life, have lost sight of intimacy in their relationships. The Harrington Method supports couples in using the challenges within their relationships to create healing, depth, and meaningful connection, transforming their relationships into something people write about.