The Currency of Intimacy
Photography Credit: Mathieu Stern
“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”
— Paulo Coehlo
Patrick and I chose each other as partners in life. We both had relationships before where the purpose was for the most part, undefined. When we found one another, we both wanted a relationship distinct from how things had been in the past. Together we agreed we would create a Spiritual Relationship.
For us, it began by seeing the context of our relationship as a catalyst to grow individually and together as a couple. Through this commitment, each new growth opportunity we take on, individually or separately, supports the whole of our family.
During this season of our relationship, we are focusing our growth on mastering the least sexy thing out there - budgeting! We are both much more artist types than structure types, so budgeting is an area where we have both struggled in the past.
From all our transformational and spiritual work over our lives together and separately, we know that something as linear and mind-based as budgeting can and will be a major portal for our growth not just in our finances, but in our whole lives.
You know the saying, “How we do one thing is how we do everything.” Well, we do our best to take that to heart, and use budgeting as our next stage of intimacy!
So we asked, can we take on learning to master our finances as a devotional practice for our relationship?
Absolutely!
In my mid-20s, I was obsessed with Capoeira. Capoeira is an incredible Brazilian martial art that incorporates music and rhythm. While it appears and feels like you are dancing, it is actually a potent fighting and defense style. I played (aka trained) in Capoeira for four years. I remember in the beginning, my movements were choppy, backward, and downright ugly. I had to think about where to place my foot and which arm to have in front. I was in my head a lot as I was learning the basics.
Eventually, my movements became more fluid. With time, practice, and a committed Mestre (teacher/ coach), my body knew where to go before my mind did. This is the process of learning anything new. Learning starts in the head where we are most awkward. Over time, it becomes easier and eventually drops into the body as wisdom.
Financial mastery is a new frontier for us, like Capoeira was for me when I started. It’s vulnerable and awkward. We step on each other’s toes, bump into each other, and forget the moves!
But despite this, we celebrate this new learning curve because we know from practice that new challenges mean new learning, new insight, and new habits. We celebrate because we have learned to trust in vulnerability, falling down and getting back up.
Learning something new is transformative. And like learning anything new, there are times that it would be easier to just give up. This is one of the traps of the ego. The part of us that wants to look good, and stay safe is the same part that ultimately keeps us stuck.
Little productive actions, repeated consistently over time—add up to the difference between failure and success
Jeff Olson, The Slight Edge
Going into the wilds of our finances we knew we did not want to go alone. We know ourselves, and if we are only accountable to ourselves, we can let ourselves off the hook or use accountability as a way to separate or create conflict. So we hired a financial coach to walk us through this vulnerable and illuminating process. I am so grateful to have someone to hold our hand as we navigate this new area of our life and relationship.
By using the area of finances as the catalyst for our growth as a couple, we are learning to be better partners, speak our truth, apologize faster, listen, refrain, be patient, fall, rise again, face the shadow, and find ways through together.
I celebrate us in learning something new, choosing to grow, and being in the practice of financial resilience to become stronger and wiser together.
Having Grace as you Grow
I notice that many people are unwilling to step outside of their patterns of being because it means getting uncomfortable.
But if we stay safe, we stay small.
Remember that you are learning; look at yourself like you would a child learning to walk, swim or talk. Have compassion for yourself.
Use the language, “I am getting better and better every day.”
Switch your mindset of comparison to one of inspiration. People who are more practiced were once where you are; let them show you where you will go.
Have a sense of humor when you fall.
Practice a little bit each day; the rewards will show up over time.
Remember that there will always be someone further along than you and there will always be someone not as far along as you.
Give yourself permission to be messy because you are birthing a new version of yourself; Birthing something is messy!
Hire a Coach so that you have someone as committed to your success as you are.
